I know I say it often but it's been a while. I often find myself distracted from blogging unless I feel strongly about something or I really feel the need to write.

Well my week has been pretty awful despite all the good events taking place. I should feel as though I'm on top of the world, that life is great. All my body seems to be able to muster emotionally is dull sadness or sometimes nothing at all. I sit around my friends or at home, hearing good news and seeing happy faces yet I feel nothing. I smile and giggle as if I'm happy too but the truth is, that I feel nothing when I know I should. Now, I'm not a psychopath, we all know this by now but sometimes, I just don't feel and it bothers me. I do have moments of happiness and joy, but as the days roll by, those moments just seem to lose frequency and intensity. It's as if my emotions are slowly dying down to nothing.

To anyone else, this week would have been awesome to them, perhaps the best week in their life. I'm doing well in school, my father is finally getting me a car and a new cell phone, my relationship is holding up nicely, and I'm surrounded by friends who care. I just don't - can't - feel good about it and I know I should. I remember, back in middle and high school, I was ecstatic to have friends who cared. Over the years, those feelings just faded away. Sometimes, I find myself caring whereas other times, I feel that I wouldn't care if anything happened at all. It doesn't make sense.

At least I can find slight humor in ceiling cat watching my browsing...

I'll have to admit that my summer was one huge roller coaster ride through both events and emotions. I'm sure anyone who looks back far enough will see the crazy, boarder line posts from the beginning of the summer. However, my posts began to dwindle after I left for Japan so for memory/story sake, I'll post a recap of the summer.

At the beginning of the summer, my pain was so great, I couldn't resort to anything but blogging my feelings. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, it seemed as though my feelings were too controversial and confusing for anyone else to grasp. I will admit that most of my summer basically revolves around Milo. I spent most of it hanging out and talking with him, giving him up yet wanting him back at the same time.

I'll begin from where my last summer entry left off. Reading through, my actual last summer entry was one describing how lost and confused I felt but I never went through any specifics of what happened before and after my trip to Japan. And yes, there is a reason why I chose to avoid writing anything about those events but now I feel I can talk freely about the whole thing.

About a couple of weeks before my departure across seas I was hanging out with one of my friends which I shall call Tina. We were having a good time together but then decided we should hang out with Milo at his place. I thought it'd be fun so I agreed. From here, I began to fall down a slippery slope to the 2nd most painful moment in my life. We were all laying around in Milo's bed, him thinking that he's such a pimp laid down with both of us in his arms, laying against his chest. Tina then decided to bring up the idea of a threesome. Because I was the one with the most emotional baggage and the youngest, they left the decision up to me. At first I thought it'd be a fun experience and something new to try. Me and Tina kissed first, mainly just to play around with the idea. I then began to have doubts so I just laid my head back down and assumed they knew it meant I wasn't really ready for it. I had closed my eyes when I heard them kissing. When we began I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea but when I opened my eyes to look, my heart sank. I thought I would bust into tears right then and there.

I told them I couldn't do it so they stopped. I managed to hide my pain for the most part. They couldn't tell I was dying on the inside... at first. I grew extremely silent and turned away to text someone, anyone. Anything to distract me from that pain. I ended up texting Tesla about my birthday. Anyway, that day, we decided to hang out with the others in our group and watch a movie. I managed to distract myself throughout the movie, despite the constant uneasy feeling in my stomach and chest. I thought I could make it, I thought I could hold it all in until we made it home... however, I thought wrong. Milo was to be dropped off at home first and on the way, I broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore. I cried almost as hard as I did when Milo broke it off with me to say he wanted to chase after Kat. The image kept playing in my head and from then on, I knew that I would most likely see more of it... and I did.

Apparently after that, the two decided to become friends with benefits while Milo and I were given the status of "casually dating", whatever that meant. I began to feel insecure and inadequate when we all hung out with Kat together and saw her new townhouse for the first time. I came outside to see the two kissing... again. I grew silent just as before and sat quietly in the back seat, unfortunately squished with Milo next to me (we were helping her move some stuff so the other seat was pulled down.). He gave me a pity kiss in an attempt to cheer me up (though he did state otherwise, I just can't believe it). The rest of that day, my chest ached and I felt uncomfortable. From then on, whenever I was alone with Milo and Tina, I felt scared, insecure, and nervous. I tried to avoid these situations at all times and even almost began to avoid Tina entirely (note how I said almost).

Apparently the emotional shock from the affair with Milo and Tina was so great that I began to have moments where I felt displaced, floaty, and dreamy. It was almost as if I wasn't existing and the moment was running by as I watched helplessly. This happened once while I was hanging out with everyone one last time before I left for Japan. The one thing I remember most was trying to keep my cool when Tina mentioned verbally that she and Milo had become friends with benefits. It seemed as if it weren't true until then and it bothered me greatly for the rest of my time at the mall that day.

The next day, the day before I was supposed to leave for Japan was very memorable in a sense. I spent that day with Milo and Tina, so scared of leaving yet scared of even being around them. Milo was acting strange; maybe he was upset that I'd be gone for 2 weeks? I never got any answers from that day. Though the day was as innocent as any other, I was so afraid of something happening that I began to have palpitations as we were laying in bed with Milo. I sat up straight, almost forcibly watching the two lay down together in jealousy. I my chest pain only grew worse the more I watched so I ended up laying my head on Milo's chest and sobbing, blaming it on the chest pain. I eventually had to leave because my mother didn't want me staying up throughout the night before my departure for Japan. Tina stayed behind, which left a stinging pain in my chest all throughout the flight to Japan. That night kept playing through my head as I attempted to distract myself with the movies they were showing us during the flight. I couldn't even watch He's Just Not That Into You. I almost broke out into tears after watching the scene where this guy was proposing Jennifer Aniston (forgot the name of the person she was playing). There was also another movie, Yatterman I could barely watch and that was only because there was a male and female playing the main roles. Yes, the Milo's fling with Tina was bothering me that much. I did end up asking whether or not they had sex that night and they said that they didn't but I'm still unsure.

Though I made a pact to not text Milo at all throughout the trip, I eventually lost control when he ended up texting me first. I made up every excuse possible to not stop myself from digging myself deeper into this pain and confusion. Luckily, my trip was so enjoyable that I ended up dropping almost all that emotional baggage. I practically came back a new person. My movie problem on the way to Japan compared the movie situation on the way back can basically show you this "transformation" of sorts. On the way back, I could watch Yatterman with no repercussions and I managed to watch He's Just Not That Into You without having to switch channels due to the immense pain it induced. I will admit that I cried at the end when Alex came to Gigi stating that she was his exception. I'm such a sap.

I need to explain that the trip to Japan along with Milo's week long trip to the beach unveiled something to me. Through constant texts and phone calls, I learned that he never really let me go, and it seemed as if he wasn't really to let me free either. In a way, I felt flattered, on the other hand, I felt conflicted because it was almost hypocritical of him to say something like that. It's hard for me to explain but maybe you could understand. It gave me hope yet I was basically shot down several times by Tina's reality checks and Milo's constantly changing moods.

I almost gave up hope when I started texting Josh Craig the Rocker Dude in an attempt to distract myself from all the pain Milo was putting me through. I'll admit I did begin to like Josh for a quick second but then realized how much he irked me. He's a good guy just... irksome. He's immature for an 18 year old. By now, I'm beginning to transition into the fall to avoid any confusion when I start talking about DragonCon.

I have no idea what it was about DragonCon but it seemed to bring me and Milo back together. We were happy together, not fighting or anything. We were drawn back together and I was more chipper than I had been in a while. We began talking and seeing each other much more often and basically grew back into a relationship. AWA seemed to just enhance it. It seemed to all happen so fast yet so slowly as the events rolled by as they occurred.

I'm ecstatic and so relieved everything worked out for me. <3